Another day, another holiday with out my five little loves. My instincts are to sugar coat it, to gloss over the sadness, to pretend that there isn’t a part of my heart hurting.
The thing is though you’re all getting older. If one of you were to happen upon this blog at this point you’d be old enough to read the truth about how much I miss you all not just on holidays but every single day. You’d be old enough to know that there are still times when tears flow from my eyes when memories of you all are triggered.
You’d all be old enough to know that despite the pain of missing you all I still move forward. I still find things to love. Things to smile about. Things that make my heart happy. It is in the happiness that I live for you all the most.
This Easter I colored eggs for you all:
Uncle Timmy and I went to see the new movie out, Boss Baby. Of course the name alone made me think of you Grace with your past love of all things babies. The little boy in the movie had a toy called Lamb Lamb. Do you remember your lamb Emily? You named her Lamby. She had gone everyplace with us. Even to Disney!
Thankfully none of you were ever jealous when a new sibling was introduced, unlike the characters in the movie. By the end of the movie they were all loving each other though. Much like you five. I hope you all will always be there for each other.
After the movie I responded to my texts. One was from Mrs Kathy wishing me a happy Easter. Do you guys remember your last Easter with mommy? After church we went for a hike with Mrs Kathy, then went back to her house to eat lunch and you all helped her make a bunny cake.
Right now Uncle Timmy and I are getting ready to take Charming for a walk. No doubt there will be a little Easter candy eating later today as well. I hope you all are having so much fun today.
Till next time, remember I love you all.
My dearest Lucas,
Tomorrow you turn ten. A decade old! In some ways the time has flown by and in others it’s completely stopped.
Everyday I wonder about you. How you are. How’s school. Who your friends are. If you’re feeling happy, safe, and loved. I wonder if your memories of me have all faded or if you still hold on to them.
I want you to know that no matter how old you get or how much time goes by I will always be here loving you. I hope that you are as certain of my love for you as you are your own heartbeat.
You were always a smart, caring, funny little boy. I hope that hasn’t changed. I hope you still tell jokes that make everyone laugh no matter how bad of a day they are having. I hope you still help where you see a need. I hope you still challenge yourself to try new experiments.
I know that it will be years before you see these letters but when you do I want you to know that you were always celebrated. Tomorrow I will start working on “your” choirs latest fundraiser. It seems fitting to start the work for it on your birthday as it was my promise to you that I would do my best to help them get a new organ.
As I’m working on that I hope that you are having a blast. I hope that your birthday brings you yummy treats and awesome gifts. I hope that you know that mommy would be there if she could and though I hope you miss my presence I hope you are not saddened by it. I pray you hold onto hope.
I love you my little man. Happy, happy, birthday.
Love always and forever,
My dearest children,
Today we celebrate Christmas. A time of hope and miracles. A time of joy and love. This year, as with all years past, I hope you all have all of that.
I hope you still follow some of our traditions. The ones that we had over our years together. Be it new pjs and a brand new bedtime story on Christmas Eve, sprinkling reindeer food, or any of the others; they were a part of your pasts.
I hope you all still believe in Santa and Jesus’s birth. I hope the magic of the season hasn’t been lost on any of you.
I’d be lying if I said my heart isn’t sad at you all not being around. It is, more than I hope any of you will ever feel. However I am still living and breathing, as are all of you. With that I know that no matter what life gives us we will all be ok.
My darlings you are loved, every single one of you. Every single second of every day. I’m here now and always will be for you all.
Someday you’ll all have the opportunity to read these and talk to all the the people who have been cut out of all your lives. There is so much love surrounding you all. Never have any of you been forgotten.
So this Christmas I send up prayers for all of you.
I want you all to know that you are always thought of and never forgotten. Mrs. Kathy made sure there were luminaries lit for each of you, as she does every year. I hope that you all feel God’s presence a little stronger now.
We all love you guys.
My dearest Nicholas,
Today you turn six. I hope you have so much fun that you are all worn out by bedtime. I hope your day is filled with so much love that you can’t help to know you are wanted. I hope you get cake, ice cream, and gifts.
I also hope when you get older and look back on today you know mama would have been there if she could have. I hope you know that I sat and prayed for you; that you would have all those things that I hoped for you and that you would be happy.
Time has gone by so quickly, it seems like just the other day you were a little baby grumbling in my arms. Gone are the days of sticky kisses, muddy puddle jumping, and Elmo watching. There has been so much that I’ve missed in your life and so much time can never bring back; but my son, I hope you know no matter what I’ve always been here for you. That will never change. No person, place, or thing will ever take the love I have for you away.
I hope you embrace six for all it is. A little more independence, new things to learn, and new memories to make. Though you are no longer a baby in terms of age, you will always be my baby. I love you sweet boy. Happy happy birthday!
My dearest daughters,
Congratulations on your concert last night. From all the videos and pictures I received it appears you both did wonderful.
I’m sure the preparations for it took a lot of time and effort. I hope you both are so proud of your work. The music you both produced was absolutely beautiful.
I’m sorry that I wasn’t there. I didn’t want there to be any fights or animosity shown on a day that you both worked so hard for. If I had known no one else would be there for you guys I might have attended.
There is no excuse for none of your family being there. As your mom my heart breaks for you both. If it is of any comfort please know that there were many people that love you both in the audience. Many who told me how amazing you both did.
Again great job ladies. I love you both.