Good morning baby girl. I want you to know how much I love you so. I want you to know how you are always thought of.
Today my advice for you is the same as I wrote to your sister on her 12th birthday; enjoy your last year as a child! In this world we have started pushing children to grow up way to soon, there is no need. Roll in the grass, laugh at stupid jokes, eat some candy… enjoy the things that children should.
Today I hope you feel all the love being sent out to you.
My beautiful first born,
Happy, happy birthday sweet girl. Today you turn 13. You are officially no longer a child, but you will always be my baby.
It’s so hard watching you grow up in pictures I receive here and there from amazing people who know how messed up this situation is. From people who know my love for you. In their pictures I can see what a beautiful young lady you have become. I also know that you are bright and talented, something I’ve never doubted.
You were my first baby and as such you will always hold a very special place in my heart. You were my first pregnancy. That first baby who made a home inside my belly where you stayed till you were way overdue, I guess you just didn’t want to leave your mama.
You were that baby who wouldn’t fall asleep unless you were on my lap; sucking your middle fingers and twirling my hair. You were the baby who was by all definitions a mama’s girl.
Emily, I want you to know I loved you from the start. From the second I knew you existed you became my top priority. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to protect you and make you feel loved. Someplace along the line I failed at both, but my God beautiful girl did I try.
I don’t want you to ever think, not for one second, that I don’t love you. I love you so much that my heart hurts. I’m sorry things turned out like this. I only pray that God’s plan for your life is much better than any I can imagine. In the end I have faith that this will all have a purpose.
While we wait to see that purpose I hope you stay true to you. Be you. Don’t let anyone bully you and certainly don’t be a bully. Love with all you can. Try hard in school and play hard in sports or whatever else might interest you. Know without a doubt that you are loved and your mama is proud of you.
Enjoy your first year as a teen. I love you.
Someday that love will be able to be expressed. Till then I’ll keep it safe within my heart till we meet again. 💕
Another day, another holiday with out my five little loves. My instincts are to sugar coat it, to gloss over the sadness, to pretend that there isn’t a part of my heart hurting.
The thing is though you’re all getting older. If one of you were to happen upon this blog at this point you’d be old enough to read the truth about how much I miss you all not just on holidays but every single day. You’d be old enough to know that there are still times when tears flow from my eyes when memories of you all are triggered.
You’d all be old enough to know that despite the pain of missing you all I still move forward. I still find things to love. Things to smile about. Things that make my heart happy. It is in the happiness that I live for you all the most.
This Easter I colored eggs for you all:
Uncle Timmy and I went to see the new movie out, Boss Baby. Of course the name alone made me think of you Grace with your past love of all things babies. The little boy in the movie had a toy called Lamb Lamb. Do you remember your lamb Emily? You named her Lamby. She had gone everyplace with us. Even to Disney!
Thankfully none of you were ever jealous when a new sibling was introduced, unlike the characters in the movie. By the end of the movie they were all loving each other though. Much like you five. I hope you all will always be there for each other.
After the movie I responded to my texts. One was from Mrs Kathy wishing me a happy Easter. Do you guys remember your last Easter with mommy? After church we went for a hike with Mrs Kathy, then went back to her house to eat lunch and you all helped her make a bunny cake.
Right now Uncle Timmy and I are getting ready to take Charming for a walk. No doubt there will be a little Easter candy eating later today as well. I hope you all are having so much fun today.
Till next time, remember I love you all.
My dearest Lucas,
Tomorrow you turn ten. A decade old! In some ways the time has flown by and in others it’s completely stopped.
Everyday I wonder about you. How you are. How’s school. Who your friends are. If you’re feeling happy, safe, and loved. I wonder if your memories of me have all faded or if you still hold on to them.
I want you to know that no matter how old you get or how much time goes by I will always be here loving you. I hope that you are as certain of my love for you as you are your own heartbeat.
You were always a smart, caring, funny little boy. I hope that hasn’t changed. I hope you still tell jokes that make everyone laugh no matter how bad of a day they are having. I hope you still help where you see a need. I hope you still challenge yourself to try new experiments.
I know that it will be years before you see these letters but when you do I want you to know that you were always celebrated. Tomorrow I will start working on “your” choirs latest fundraiser. It seems fitting to start the work for it on your birthday as it was my promise to you that I would do my best to help them get a new organ.
As I’m working on that I hope that you are having a blast. I hope that your birthday brings you yummy treats and awesome gifts. I hope that you know that mommy would be there if she could and though I hope you miss my presence I hope you are not saddened by it. I pray you hold onto hope.
I love you my little man. Happy, happy, birthday.
Love always and forever,