12, 12, 12…

Christopher Felix, yesterday you turned 12. Yesterday, I had no words. I miss you with every fiber of my being. You are my heart outside my body. 🧡

Usually, I try to celebrate you on your birthday. It takes my mind off of the hurt and it makes me feel closer to you, but this year was more somber. I still did orange day and people still prayed for you and left messages, but there was no celebrating here.

I hope there was there. I hope you had cake, smiles, and love. Though you shouldn’t be materialistic, I hope you got some awesome gifts.

Enjoy 12. Don’t rush through it to be a teen. There will be plenty of time for that. Be you. Be fun. Be silly. Be kind. Be love. 🧡

I love you to the moon and back times 10 million.

Love always,

Mommy

Midnight Thoughts

This is the first year that I don’t have anything special planned for Christopher’s birthday. His is one I have always wanted to celebrate given how complicated his pregnancy and birth were. All children should be celebrated, but when one almost dies it makes every milestone that much more special. Not to mention his love of orange has always made it easy for others to participate too.

I’ve always felt his essence, but this year it’s gone. There is a void where that feeling used to be and it’s hurting me. I need it back so badly. It motivated me, it pushed me, it made me always want to do better. Maybe it’s Covid changes or maybe it’s because I’ve been away for too long. I don’t know, but I pray it returns.

Last night I prayed God would send an angel to watch over you all and that you would all know without a shadow of a doubt that you are loved by me. Then I cried thinking maybe that would make you sad to know I actually do love you so I prayed that if that were the case that you would be angry with me so you wouldn’t have to feel that kind of pain.

I love you all so much. I want the best for each of you. I want to be your mom to the fullest extent, but the reality is that is never going to happen so I pray that what does happen at least doesn’t cause any of you sadness. I don’t know if that’s right or wrong as perhaps sadness is needed and would help you all in the long run, but the thought of any of you being sad is too much to think about.

Sigh 😔

Putnam Public Schools F.A.C.T. Day

Today the four youngest of you had a themed day from your school system.

Though I’m not there with you all I still wanted to participate. So I did just that.

For the F and the A, I took the pups on a hike. I wish it could have been all of my family, including all of you; but I made the best of what I had.

For the C, I have messaged several people this am and will be holding a Zoom support group later today for those who might be needing a little more connection.

For the T, I will be posting my #thankful3 on my personal Facebook like I do every night. Being thankful is so important. I’ve been posting my #thankful3 every night for years. It has tremendously helped me.

I hope that you all are having a good time participating in this theme day. 💚

Bailey’s 8

My Em –

On April 16th Bailey turned 8. We had a little party for her. I thought you might want to see some pictures.

Always and forever,

Mommy

P.S. – Many people wrote her happy birthday messages. I was going to screenshot and share them here, but instead I left them on Facebook and tagged a special album for you. They will be there if you ever want to see them.

Chris

Tonight I can’t stop the tears from flowing. I caught myself making an expression that reminded me of four year old you.

I miss that boy so much. He always made my heart happy. I know I will never see him again. I know he no longer exist.

I long to know the young man who has taken his place. The kind, caring, boy that I hear you are. I hope to someday know you as well as I knew the four year old Christopher Felix a.k.a. Christofurry

Till that day comes I will hug you in my heart and pray you are safe, loved, and protected. I love you to the moon and back 10 million gazillion times.

Sweet dreams my sweet boy. May we meet in the place between sleep and awake.

Easter 2020

It’s been many long years since we’ve all shared an Easter together. The last just a few months after the fire. I remember the last Easter well. It was at Mrs. Kathy’s.

We all dressed our best. The girls with lovely dresses and the boys in crisp dress shirts. We went to church. We prayed. We took a short hike. Everyone helped Mrs. Kathy make a bunny cake which Emily primarily decorated (she was so excited to take a picture of it to school for show and tell the next week). We ate yummy ham and we ended the night as we always did with cuddles and reading books.

I miss holidays with all of you so much. I miss the laughter, the love, and the joy. Today, I pray you all still felt those things and that you all feel my love. Each of you are loved beyond measure and always will be.

Love always,

Mommy

PS – Emily, I did a photo shoot with Bailey to get the perfect picture to post for you.

Kingdom of Isolation

While everyone is out hoarding toilet paper and worried about catching Covid-19, my worry is you all. I pray the world will just shut down for two weeks so we can get this over with.

Part of me is glad your schools shut down early to keep you all safe, the other part of me is scared of what that means for you all. Are you all safe? Are you all scared? Are you all keeping up with your school work? Are you all getting along? My head is filled with questions and zero answers.

Someone posted as part of their status yesterday “limit one, means limit one if you have zero kids or if you have five”. Reading it instantly filled my eyes with tears. I hadn’t worried if you all had everything you needed. That wasn’t a thought that crossed my mind till I read that. I pray that you all have everything that you need. I pray that there is enough food for you all. I pray that there is enough to drink for you all.

I love you all with all my heart. I’m here. I’m praying. I’m hugging you all in my thoughts. My wish is that you somehow feel all my love.

Stay safe. Stay healthy. Watch out for each other.

Emily’s First Pup

Bailey is still hanging in there, though she is getting increasingly senile. Many nights she sundowns and won’t sleep. On those nights I stay up with her and offer her support.

She has been having trouble walking long distances with her old age pain and the heat. She has a new medicine to help with the pain and I’ve ordered her a cooling vest. She also has a stroller she rides in if the walk is going to be of any large distance.

One of her favorite places to ride to is a private beach that allows dogs. She loves chasing sticks in the water and just relaxing.

I pray she had at least a few more years with us, but if not I will rest easy knowing we have made the most of the time she has had with us.

Welcome To Being A Teenager

My Sweet Lucas,

Happy Birthday 🎈 Welcome to bring a teenager.

Somehow it’s more frightening to think of you as a teen than it has been the girls. Maybe it’s the stereotypical view society has put in my head of teen boys or maybe it’s because you have been acting like a teenager since you were three. I want you to know that there is no rush for you to grow up. You should still enjoy growing. Be funny, be silly, be you.

I wonder what you are doing today and pray that you have had every reason to smile. I hope your day has been filled with love and laughter. Tonight, when your head hits the pillow I hope you feel me thinking of you and know just how much I love you.

Love now and always,

Your Mommy

Seven Years…

Today marks seven years since the deadly fire that changed our lives forever. They say time heals all wounds, but really it doesn’t… especially when so many questions remain.

I still remember so many of the details like they are currently happening in the faded background of my life. I remember I had given Lucas and Christopher haircuts earlier that night. I remember Grace’s Hello Kitty clock blinking the time across the ceiling excessively as if power had gone out and came right back on. I remember Nicholas waking up and being eerily calm as if he sensed something horrible was in the process of happening. I remember everyone being outside and the police banging on the door and helping us out.

Then everything becomes a blur. So many memories dance around in my head. There order all mixed up. I know that day changed everything. I know on that day the states attorney lost their witness. The witness we needed to testify to keep us safe for another year. I know that day the house was deemed unsafe as it was and without being on the insurance I could not get it fixed.

As always though, I will not focus on the negatives. I know that day also brought our village together. I know that there were ten days between the fire and Lucas’s sixth birthday. I know in that time Mrs. Kathy managed to throw together a pretty awesome birthday party in a town 45 minutes from our home where we had only known her. I know that mommy #2 and her husband allowed us to go to her house even with our two pups (Rosco and Bailey). I know so many came together to pray for us and offer us love and support.

I know that day brought our community a lot of heartbreak and our family a lot of changes. The pain and the fear may always be there, but I try to look back and remember the love that came from it as well. I pray you all do too.