My sweet beautiful first born. I can’t believe you are already 17. I always have so much I want to say to you and so much I want to share but none of it seems just right or it all seems just right but I don’t want to overwhelm you.
I’ll just say I love you, I miss you, and I have not forgotten you. Milestones may be the days I write but every single day I think of you.
My sweet sweet Christopher, today you turned 13! 13! A teenager! My mind can’t believe it.
My mind is full of things to say, but if I wrote for a million years I still wouldn’t be able to get the right words to express the amount of love I have for you. For days I’ve thought of what I was going to write, but now that it’s time nothing seems right. You truly are my heart outside my body.
I hope your day was absolutely amazing. I hope it was beyond anything you could imagine. I hope you were surrounded by love and happiness. As you fall asleep tonight I hope you know I love you and I haven’t forgotten you.
Today we celebrate you. The awesome person you are and the amazing man you will become.
In my heart you are still and probably always will be my “little man”. It’s so hard to think of you as a 14 year old.
I put an eyeball sticker in my planner to mark this day (though I’d know what day it was without the reminder). The sticker instantly reminded me of the one that you used to have on Mrs. Kathy’s ceiling. The one I now have in a jar.
Enjoy being 14. Don’t wish to be an adult just yet. Even when you are an adult I hope you will still be your silly self. Your personality shines through each picture.
I hope today was fun for you. I hope you got lots of gifts and even more love. I also hope you know I love you and I haven’t forgotten you… not even for a moment.
What do you write to a boy who you’re sure couldn’t possibly remember you, but who holds such a big piece of your heart? Nothing seems just right.
I love you Nicholas. I’ve thought about you all day today. Your silly baby laugh. Your independent determination. The adorable fashion statements you used to make. Your love for puppies. The list could go on and on.
I wonder what you are like now. I can’t believe you are already 10! I hope you had a happy birthday. I hope you felt my love and were showered by love from those closest to you.
As your head hits the pillow tonight I hope your heart is happy. I hope you dream of all the wonderful things that hitting double digits is going to bring. I hope you have the best year yet.
“It is possible to feel both grief and gratitude simultaneously.” – Laura Anderson
I read that quote this morning and it was perfect. This year has brought so many wonderful things for me to be thankful for, but I’m still grieving all of you.
Everyday, but especially today (Thanksgiving), is a challenge to live while simultaneously feeling like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. To hope while feeling like there is none. To be in the here and now while so desperately just wanting to live in my memories.
I do it though. I get up, I smile, I pray, I end my day with my #thankful3… every single day.
I’m telling you this because it matters. It’s important. It’s important that you know there’s love. It’s important that you know there’s always hope. It’s important that you know it’s ok to have conflicting feelings.
I hope the day has brought you all joy and smiles.